Memories Of What Used To Be
by CaScAdEd-TeArS
Summary: re-posted! They were in love, but she knew that this relationship will hurt him and his future. sacrifices had to be made. Now, seven years later, fate throws her back into his life. Can they fix what was broken or is it just too late? KENDALL X OC
1. Because I Loved Him

BTR are miiiiiiiiiiiiine…all mine ! ok I'm kidding, I don't own any of them L….yet..

Chapter 1

-Because I Loved Him-

Everywhere I went, he was there. It was like being followed by the ONLY person I didn't want to be followed by.

Ok, maybe not exactly followed, but I swear, everywhere I went, he was somehow present. Either on T.V or the radio, on windows of music shops, or posters hanged on billboards, or buses. It was just too much for me to handle.

Ok, so maybe he was in a successful band, has a hit T.V show, and girls threw themselves at him, but still, this does not mean i have to see him and remember things i did not need to remember.

But remembering was not a choice. You can not exactly remember what you never forgeot can you?

Everything ended seven years ago and we are no longer 15. we were no longer the two madly in love teenagers that no one knew about. not even his three bestfriends. i was the secret he kept. he would call it his 'favourite secret'. It wasn't like we were forced to remain a secret. but at 15, keeping a part of your life a secret from everyone was exciting. i saw it as an opportunity to live the fantasy of having the 'secret boyfriend' that parents would never know about. and i guess he fullfilled the fantasy of being somewhat the 'bad boy' keeping a part of his life a secert.

But he wasn't a bad boy. He was the sweet, caring boyfriend that i knew i could depend on. I loved him, and he knew. even though some would say we were just kids and we did not know what love was, i honestly believe i loved him. this was why i had to break his heart. because i loved him.

this might not make sense to anyone. but when you see the person you love torn between living his dream and you. The choice had to be done. and i knew that if i did not do it, he wasn't going to. so i did the only thing i had to, i ended it. i ended the one year old relationship that meant the world to me.

Because i loved him

**Six years ago**

"But Kendall this is amazing" i said trying my best to sound excited. "you love singing. This is your big chance. You have to take it!" i said as i handed him his cup of hot chocolate praying to god he doesn't notice the fact my hands were trembling.

He didn't.

"But this means moving to L.A. " he said looking me straight in the eye. "And this means i won't be seeing you for god knows how long." he said trying to get me to look at the bigger picture.

i was aware of all that. it was all i have been thinking about since he called two hours earlier telling me that the famous producer 'Gostavo' just left his house five mins ago asking him to become his new singer.

"Kendall, you want this. you deserve this." i said. he looked sown at his hands. then up at me again, "but i want you more than i could ever want to become a pop singer."

"And i'm not going anywhere. I'm right here." i said sitting next to him on the couch. "so you go live your dream. And once you become the hot famous singer you deserve to be, come back to me." i said hoping my eyes don't fail me and tears don't fall.

"so you'll wait for he?" he asked pulling my hands into his.

"forever" i whispered looking straight into his eyes.

**Now**

you are probably wondering what happened. well, fame happened. Once the first episode of the show aired, those guys suddenly became huge. kendall and i still talked everyday but as his responsibilites increased, i noticed how it started affecting him and his work, he would tell me how Gostavo was giving him a hard time because he was always tired and spaced out in the mornings and i knew this was because when he would send them home to get some sleep, he would sneak out to talk to me and we would lose track of time and he would hardly have any time to get some sleep that helps him through the next day. we thought we could handle it and that i could find a way around it but as the tour and concerts came along, he would complain that they don't get enough sleep already yet would make sure to call me everyday. Lack of sleep started affecting him and when he mentioned how he actually messed up the dance move once in a concert and forgot the lyrics on another concert i feared that i would be the reason he fails and get kicked out of the band.

I might have overreacted but i knew what this band meant to him, what singing meant to him and i just could not be the reason his dream comes to an end. So i called him one day while he was on tour and ended it. I knew that the only thing he would believe is if i said i was in love with someone else. Anyother reason he would see right through it. So i lied to protect him. i told him that this long distance relationship was not working for me and that i met someone and he asked me out and i said yes. He was heartbroken but i knew he needed to stay focused on the band. And if the price was breaking both our hearts, this was a price i was willing to pay.

Not much after the break up i once saw an interview with the producer 'Gostavo' online about his new band Big Time Rush and someone asked if 'Kendall' was the leader of the group and once i heard 'Gostavo's' reply, i knew i made the right decision.

"Kendall started out as a great leader, but then he started losing focus and drive. then again all of a sudden, he started building up the desire to work even better than he had started. to the point that i had to literally drag him out of the recording and dance studio. it was like he was forcing himself to work in an attempt to not think or something but with time, he returned to the incredible leader he was.

So i was the distraction that could have distroyed his entire future. and looking back, i admit this was the right choice to do. big time rush split last year but not because the guys had any problems, it was because they realized they needed to persue a solo career now. they were no longer the 16-17 year old boys of a pop group. they were all aged between 22 and 23. They were now men. James was practically all over the place. He sings, acts and model. Logan followed his original dream and became a doctor and Carlos decided he wanted to act. Kendall became a professional Hockey player like he always wanted.

So did we get back together?

No. apparently, kendall was too heartbroken over what i told him that he completely shut me out of his life. i can't say i blame him honestly. I did break his heart. So that night i called him to end everything was the one call where i lost all touch with him.

I would watch him back in the days when he was still a part of the band and i even once went to one of their concerts but stayed hiding in the back. this was because i needed to see him. And he was like a god on stage. This was what he was born to do. And after watching him becoming one of the best hockey players i have ever seen, i realized that this is who kendall is. He was the type of person who puts his heart and soul into whatever he was doing that it comes out looking like he was meant to be doing it. no matter it was singing or hockey.

I managed to go on , so here i am, seven years later, a successful journalist at a respectable newspaper, still single, and about to get pushed into the last thing i could ever possibly need. EVER.


	2. Fear and Decisions

Ok,so i didn't exactly get lots of reviews but i'm posting the 2nd chapter and HOPEFULLY, i get more than just one review! it hurts the ego ppl! REVIEW...*i'm begging* :p

Chapter 2

Fear and decisions

As soon as i walked into the office Sarah, who works in the paper with me and also my bestfriend for almost my entire life rushed towards me with a nervous smile.

"whats with the face?" i asked her as soon as she stopped infront of me. After being bestfriends this long, it was pointless for any of us to bother lie or hide anything from th other because she'll see right through it.

"umm..i think you should go talk to Jack. I'm sorry" she said avoiding my eyes.

_Well this can't be good. _I thought as i walked towards the boss's office. Jack was one of the editors of the paper and me and Sarah worked for him. I knocked on the door and walked in. He was on his laptop, i assumed editing for tomorrow's paper. He took a look at me then went back to the paper.

"Take a seat please." He said as he took off his reading glasses and closing the laptop.

"o-ok" i whispered as i sat opposing him.

"Have you heard of 'Big Time Rush?' " He asked as he stood up, reached for something from the shelf behind him.

_".!_" My mind screamed.

"Yes. Some famous pop band that split.. last year i think?" i whispered. i wasn't even sure if he heard me. But at the state i was in, i probably wouldn't have been able to repeat it if he asked me to. Luckily he heard me the first time.

"Yes. But now they're getting together for one last album and couple concerts that will take place in the States, London, Germany, Sweeden and the Middle East." He said as he handed me what he was looking for which turned out to be an old poster of the band. I slowly reached out to take the poster. One look at it and memories rushed back into my brain. i shook my head as if i'm shaking the thoughts away. looking at Jack, i decided to act stupid. i said "ok, good for them. i still don't understand what i have to do with all this?"

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me. i could tell he was trying to figure out if im stupid or..stupid!

"what you have to do with all this," he started, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Is go cover the making of the album and the tour. i managed to get the paper an exclusive coverage which means that you get to be with the band 24/7. i want **full** coverage. Pictures, videos, behind the scenes to the tour. Those four are a hand full. So get enough tapes because things **will **get interesting. Any drama is to be filmed. I want the camera to be on at **ALL** times. Look at it as a reality show.

_'This can't be happening' _i thought. I couldn't do it. I frankly don't think i have the power to hang around kendall 24/7. As a matter of fact, i did not want to see him at all.

"I can't do it." i said standing up. Jack's jaw dropped. "Sit" he whispered and i could see he was fighting himself to not get up and simply strangle me.

" I worked my ass off to get us the exclusive coverage. and now my best journalist and reporter is telling me she 'can't' do it?" he said. I took a deep breath.

"Jack, you don't understand..." i started but he cut me off.

"No. YOU don't understand. This job will get you the promotion you have been nagging about for at least the past three months. This job is a matter of life or death for you, you do not get to say you can't. I have already spoken to the band's manager who will be with them until the whole thing is over. i sent him your name and basic information and they are expecting you tomorrow morning to move to the appartment where you, Sarah and the three camera men will be staying. It is the appartment next to the one where the band will be staying until the album is done. then you all will be on the tour bus for the next two months. Now take the rest of the day off you and Sarah to get your luggage ready and remember, its a matter of life or death to you so do not ruin it. Now get moving i have work to finish." and with that he switched on his laptop and got back to work ignoring me completely. After standing staring at him for a minute, i felt stupid and made my way out the door. Sarah handed me a cup of coffee and said. " lets head to ur place, i'll help you pack, then we go over to my place because that's where the band manager is sending the lemo in the morning to pick us up. the boys will have the cameras and equipment ready and will come over at 7:00 am tomorrow."She pulled me towards the office's door and we silently made our way to my car.

"Sarah i'm freaking out." i whispered once i opened my appartment's door. She rubbed my shoulder trying to make me feel better. "Angie, this is a job. And Kendall is not stupid, He will not try to ruin it for you. so you can.." she started but i cut her off. "This is not what's scaring me. Its the idea of seeing him. I haven't seen him for six years. And now all of a sudden i have to spend practically every moment with him. its not going to be easy. plus i know kendall, he never forgave me and you know everything that happened. you are the **only **one who knows everything that happened so you should understand the real reason why i'm scared." i told her as i took a seat on my couch and i couldn't help a tear that rolled down my cheek.

Srah took a deep breath and sat next to me. "you still love him?" she quitely asked me and to be honest, i didn't know the answer. I had no idea if i still do. But what i knew for sure, i did not want to go see him and his blonde girlfriend together. 'Am i still in love with him?' i asked myself and my heart skipped a beat.

_This can't be good._


	3. Lets Do This

ch.3

I don't know how last night passed or how i managed to actually get some sleep. I think this is what happens when a person is too scared. the brain plays a cruel trick and it just attempts to completely shut down and ...I am not making any sense am i? WOW, I haven't seen him yet and i have already lost my mind. Great!

I slowly got off the bed and made my way to the bathroom. Luckily, it was still 6 am which means i had at least an hour before the crew and the lemo gets here. Sarah was still asleep so i wasted no time and got into the shower. twenty minutes later i was out of the shower, drying my hair and Sarah was out of bed grabbing a towel and making her way to the shower.

"Don't straighten it" she said as she passed me.

"huh?" i said as i switched the hair drier off to hear her.

"I said don't straighten it, it lookes hotter wavy." she said as she left the room.

_*kendall used to love it straight...why am i thinking of what kendall likes and dislike. oh boy, this is going to be a hard job.*_

_"Ok" _ I whispered as i continued drying it. i decided to listen to sarah and just leave it naturally wavy. What helped is that my hair was soft and without straightening it would form soft light brown curls that Sarah always preferred over the straight look.

I grabbed the clothes i picked out last night while packing and quickly changed into them. I wanted to look simple so i went for a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a red shirt that everyone said it flatters my curves.I wasn't overweight or anything, but I wasn't the kind of girl who would eat salad on a date either. I workout regularly but i also like food that humans eat like burgers and pasta and i wouldn't be happy with a plate of lettuce and dressing,

_Don't ask...i like food! sue me!_

I wasn't in the mood to apply make up but knowing Sarah, she would probably tie me down to the dresser and fill my face up with every color that exists withing her reach so i took a deep breath and sat down infront of the dresser and put on some eyeliner, mascara, blush and a light pink lipgloss. The eyeliner flattered my hazel colored eyes giving them some sort of shine and a mysterious look.

I stood up infront of the dresser for a final look. I looked good. Simple yet pretty. I wasn't the type of girl who show off being pretty or whatever, but i had to admit, i did not look bad.

"Oooh now that's one hot chick" Sarah said as she walked in from the shower.

"If i didn't know you my whole life, i would think you were hitting on me!" i said laughing. She joined as she got dressed and walked towards where i was standing. "you wish. You know i like guys. You've been there to cheer me up after every jerk i go out with and things ends up bad." she said as she playfully pushed me away from the dresser to get finish her make up.

"Well its not my fault all the guys you go out with are jerks or idiots." i said as i started checking my luggage one last time to make sure nothing was missing.

"Ya i agree. I think i attract retarded jerks with commitment issues" she said as she continued her make up.

" I agree" i said walking out the room but before i make it out the door i heard Sarah say "Wait a minute..why are you suddenly in a good mood? " she smirked when she noticed me playing around with my hair, she knew it meant i was nervous.

"I'm still freaking out if this is what you're asking about. But i figured its been such a long time, he probably doesn't even remember me and i plan to be very professional about it." I said as i picked up my phone and purse. "plus its about time i get that bonus. I need to find a new apartment and i REALLY need to start saving for the future." i continued as i rushed outside the room.

I walked into the kitchen, fixing myself a cup of coffee and some toast. I heard Sarah's voice yelling at me to get her a cup too. I told her to get downstairs and the cup is ready. Minutes later i heard the door bell ring and i nearly chocked on my toast. i took my cup along and made my way to the door. Taking a sip of my coffee, i opened the door expecting it to either be the camera crew or the limo driver.

i was NOT ready for what i came face to face with...

"Kendall...?" i weakly muttered.

END OF CHAPTER 3

REVIEW PEOPLE! I need to know if this is remotely interesting...i wont be posting any more chapters until i get some decent reviews!

(you ppl force me to blackmail you all... :p)


	4. Feelings Don't Just Go Away

Sorry for not updating for almost a month! But i promise 1 more chapter this week...if i get some reviews! :D

Chapter 4

"...hi! so you know who i am..great! you guys ready? we're on a tight schedule so i appreciate if we get moving quickly." he said looking straight at me.

unbelievable! He didn't remember me? wow! I didn't know whether to feel relieved or insulted. I couldn't help but wonder what this means! How much could i have meant to him if he doesn't remember me at all. We dated for over six years not two weeks.

"umm, ya sure! we'll only take a minute...please, come on in." i whispered as i moved aside to let him in.

" sure. Thanks" he said as he walked in.

He wasn't the same kendall i knew. He was cold and unfriendly. The glitter that was always in his eyes, the one i always loved, was no longer there. Instead, the green eyes were cold and glassy.

**Kendall's P.O.V**

After not seeing her for all those years, you'd think it would be easy. But it was not. It hurts. Suddenly all the emotions attacked. I felt lost, hurt, angry, confused, and no matter how much i tried to deny it, i wanted to grab her and kiss her. Which is probably not the best thing to do.

So instead, i did what i do best, i shut her out, acted like i didn't even remember her, and knowing her better than anyone ever did, i saw hurt in her eyes, but she quickly covered it up by looking down and moving to the side to allow me into her place.

I walked into the place, it was small but warm, little pieces of furniture scattered all around the place, it connected the living room with the kitchen and i saw stairs that probably lead to the bedroom.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by heels clicking against the stairs. I looked up and saw Sarah, the bestfriend. I have never seen her before, but from all the times he had to listen to Sandra talk to him to him about her, he figured that must be her.

"Hi...i'm Sarah" Sarah said extending an arm towards me. I shook her hand and politely introduced myself "I'm Kendall"

"I know.."She vaguely said as she walked away. leaving me alone in the living room and ran back up the stairs.

I heard noises in the kitchen, but from where i stood, it looked empty. I took few steps towards the kitchen counter, leaning over it to see what is going on, i was greeted with a head colliding with mine. Apparently i leaned down to get a better look while Sandra was getting up.

"Oh god...ouch" She muttered holding her head. I felt very stupid at that moment. After not seeing her for this long, all i was doing was prove to her how clumsy i still am!

"I'm Sorry...i thought i heard some noises and i.." I started but got cut off by her.

"It's fine...don't worry about it." She said walking deeper into the kitchen. "Anything to drink?" She asked almost avoiding looking at me.

"umm..ya Coffee would be great" I Said trying to look uniterested.

Once she turned around, i started looking at her, the way she was focusing way too hard into pouring me a cup of coffee showed that she was nervous. And for some reason, i liked the idea that i still had that effect on her. _What is wrong with me! This is the girl that left you because she 'met' someone else.I hope to god my feelings are not coming back..this is the last thing i need!_

This is a short chapter in an attempt to get over my writers block! So plz plz plz REVIEW! tHE MORE REVIEWS I GET, THE FASTER THE UPDATE COMES! XD


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